The list of what not to say as parents seems to be getting longer – first we were told we couldn’t say ‘good job’, then ‘be careful’ became a no-go. (For the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “good job” or “be careful”—except that those phrases might not be specific enough to communicate most effectively with your kids.) Now, the phrase “hurry up” is effectively repealed.
The recent controversy over “hurry up” seems to stem from a post that went viral on Instagram claiming that The #1 cause of anxiety in children is that parents rush them. But almost every parent who has young children who go to school or participate in literally any kind activity that happens at a certain time, probably tried to rush or get their child outside. So is this a real concern or just another way to make parents feel guilty for perfectly normal behavior?
Not being one to allow parent-shaming to happen without at least challenging the source of the claims, I asked the psychologist who made these bold statements if he could send me a link to the study he was referring to. She sent me this articlewho claims that fussy kid syndrome leads to stress and depression, but doesn’t cite actual research, just cites other articles about fussy kid syndrome that are also not based on any actual research. Furthermore, the hurried child syndrome, as described in this article, appears to be a different and broader concept than simply the child rushing to get out the door.
What is fussy child syndrome?
So where does this concept come from if it is not based on research? Psychologist Dr. David Elkins coined the term “urgent child syndrome” in his book, The hurried childd, which was originally published in 1981. According to Dr. Elkin, rushed child syndrome is when a child is forced to grow up “too fast,” such as when a child is overloaded with extracurricular activities, pressured to achieve, or expected to look older than they are. However, fussy child syndrome is not an official diagnosis used by mental health professionals and appears to be more of a theoretical concept.
But does saying “Hurry up” actually cause anxiety?
So hurried child syndrome seems to be a different concept than just telling your child to “hurry up” every now and then, but you may still wonder if rushing causes anxiety in children. It seems possible that regularly rushing children can cause stress, which then leads to more chronic anxiety. However, we currently have no evidence that saying “hurry up” or rushing a child causes anxiety or any negative outcomes. Research suggests that anxiety disorders in children are caused by both genetic and environmental factors (translation: both nature and nurture) and that it is unlikely that one factor alone causes an anxiety disorder. Some research links parental overcontrol with children’s anxiety. This may look like not allowing your child to make any choices during the preparation process, not allowing them to have any control over their schedule, or doing everything for your child. Still, asking your child to hurry or rush doesn’t seem overly controlling or pushy. More broadly, research found that parenting accounted for only 4% of the variance in child anxiety, suggesting that your parenting decisions alone are unlikely to cause an anxiety disorder in your children.
Complete translation
We have no evidence that hurried child syndrome is a real concern for parents or that asking your child to “hurry up” is cause for concern. However, telling your child to “hurry up” may not be the most effective strategy because it is not informative and does not teach any skills. Also, rushing can cause more immediate stress for both you and your child.
