As the scientist in him considered this, he also looked inward. “I noticed them in myself. Oh my God, I have them, too,” he recalled.
The premise of the IFS model is that our minds are not one-dimensional. “We’re all multiples,” Schwartz says. We all have multiple perspectives within us – for example, people often identify as an inner critic, worrier or struggler. And some parts tend to dominate our lives, while others are more hidden. IFS teaches a process for embracing all of your parts, bringing them into balance, and finding a sense of wholeness.
Working with parts has exploded in popularity recently – with a growing number of books, apps and social media accounts highlighting the system. Now there is more than 6000 IFS-certified therapists and practitioners.
IFS is used by therapists working on a range of issues, from couples therapy to coping with the death of a loved one or other trauma.
Some therapists say popularity has overtaken the evidence base, and they are calls for more research. There are several small studies that show that IFS may benefit people with specific problems, including symptoms of PTSD and stress; the pain, discomfort and depression of living with rheumatoid arthritis; and depression. And more studies are underway.
For Seth Coppald, working with parts was key to taming his anxiety, as he began to realize it stemmed from childhood fears of being unloved.
With IFS, he could now acknowledge the hurt child within him and begin to let go of the pain and shame.
“There’s a big difference between ‘I am anxiety and fear’ and I’m here with fear, I’m here with anxiety,” he says. And in this realization, his natural state of “confidence, courage and compassion” resurfaced. “It’s almost like I have a new operating system now,” Kopald says.
So if you’re dealing with stress—around relationships, tragedy, or some life challenge—you might want to learn more about working with parts. Here are the highlights of how the IFS process works.
1. Quiet your mind and look within
One way to start getting to know your parts is to listen.
Sit still as if you were about to meditate and notice any bodily sensations that arise. Do you feel pain in the neck, tightness in the chest, nausea in the stomach? Do you see scenes or images from the past? Parts that may need your attention appear first. Focus on one feeling or image – tune in and ask it what it wants you to know.
When Seth Coppald tried this, he felt nervous throughout his body and saw images from old movies in his mind – scenes of bad divorces, couples fighting over children. He was tapping into a more troubling part that was dominating his life at the time.
2. Start a dialogue with your parts
At IFS, the rule is that none of our parts are bad. Each of them can give us useful information.
Kopald began to realize that his worry and anxiety were what the IFS calls “defensive” parts that help us get through difficult situations. “They were trying to get me to do something — find a solution to help my kids,” he says.
But these parts caused so much anxiety that he was blocked.
The worried one was saying to him “do something”. Then there was the critic who questioned what he had done to contribute to the bad situation. And another part was jumping to try to numb him from the pain.
These multiple parts come together, a pattern that can happen to many of us in times of crisis. It’s like noisy instruments playing out of tune, Kopald says, citing a metaphor often used at IFS.
If you find yourself overwhelmed by the cacophony, try to start a dialogue with your parts: What do you want me to know? What do you want to show me?
And the more you learn to work with your parts, you can start to become a leader or a conductor, Coppald says, bringing each instrument into harmony..
3. Set aside some space
IFS teaches you to “separate” from the noise of these competing parts. Coppald recalls the moment he began to gain some perspective on his anxiety about his children, seeing it as just one part.
“When it really hit me that the anxiety I was feeling was an aspect of me, but it wasn’t everyone of myself, I felt this calm come over me,” he says.
This was the beginning of a breakthrough for him.
If you want to try this, ask your noisy part, “Can you give me some space so we can talk?” For Koppald, instead of feeling like that scared, anxious kid, he got to the place where he felt that sit with that child, helping to comfort him.
4. Tap into childhood pain
IFS teaches that we all have exile parts that hold painful memories, many from childhood. Because it’s easier to bury negative feelings than to deal with them, these outcasts – as the name suggests – can remain locked deep within themselves.
IFS founder Dick Schwartz says exile units can be activated in times of trouble. But he says “these are often our most sensitive and loving parts.”
As a child, Schwartz struggled in school, which disappointed his father, a prominent physician and researcher. “So he built up a lot of shame,” Schwartz says. He could remember his father saying things like “Dickie, you’re worthless” and the pain was buried deep within him.
He allowed himself to relive these childhood experiences. “I could actually walk into that scene and be with” the injured boy, Schwartz says. In doing so, he could feel the distrust, fear and shame lift, which the IFS calls ‘relief’.
For Schwartz, it opened up a playful inner child. “That was missing from my life before I landed this part,” he says.
This part can be difficult to do alone. Exiles will sometimes take you back to painful scenes and show you traumatic memories. Kopald says that if you feel the pain of exile, you can say, “I know you’re there—I’m not pushing you away.” You can ask him to share his story, and if it gets too intense, you may want to contact an IFS therapist.
5. Make a U-turn
Kopald says his life is much better now. He has a loving relationship with his children and is remarried. Now an IFS Certified Practitioner, he has written a book on IFS, Self-Direction: Living a Connected Life with Self and Others. But he still has times when life is very stressful or throws too much at him. When this happens, he uses a technique called the U-Turn. The U-turn is an exercise in gaining perspective.
If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk — or feeling like everything is falling apart, take a moment to notice what’s going on inside, look within. Coppald says he’ll ask himself, “Wait a minute, who’s taking over for me right now?”
In other words, you observe which part of you is causing your anxiety, fear, or negativity. And then you can tell him, “Hey, I got it. Can you just trust me to be here?” Coppald says.
6. Reveal the light within
When you are no longer dominated by the cacophony of parts, then your true self can emerge, according to the IFS.
In IFS Self is the parent or leader of your system, offering love and protection to all parts of you.
Seth says that you can think of yourself as a sun that is often covered by clouds, ie. for your parts. Remember that the sun is always in full force, even on a cloudy day. So Coppald says that like the clouds parting, we can “remove the things that block our light.”
For Kopald, it made a big difference. “I tend to live more in the light of myself,” he says. And he feels more clarity, compassion, creativity and peace.
