The mentor attitude shatters the idea that influential adults have to be either tough guys or softies. “Neither approach is good,” Yeager told me. What teenagers need are corrections with encouragement. “Keep the standards high and give more support,” he said. Honest feedback works when it’s accompanied by moral support and clarity on how to get better.
Concerns and expectations
For starters, coaches should make clear and frequent statements about their high expectations and genuine concern for their players, especially given the power imbalance between them. Teenagers already suffer from the mismatch between their need for respect and their relative powerlessness in school. If the coach is not transparent about his concern for the young person, even thoughtful criticism can be misinterpreted. The best coaches are “super adamant” about taking care of the kids on the team, Yeager said, so the teens understand that the coaches’ corrections are motivated by genuine concern, not a desire for control. Adults who work with young people may not realize how much power imbalances between them affect adolescents.
Effective coach mentors also focus strictly on process rather than outcomes. When coaches celebrate wins and criticize mistakes, they are assuming that the result is the most important thing, not the growth of the player. It’s more motivating to help athletes develop what they can control—their form, mechanics, attitude, effort—and let the results take care of themselves. A longtime multi-sport coach, Yeager also encourages collecting data on players and sharing it with them to inspire effort. Tangible progress in the weight room, for example, can motivate athletes to improve.
Real questions for real answers
Instead of telling players what they did wrong, a wise coach also asks questions to spark change. But not any old questions: asking a separate 10th class basketball player why his head is not in the game will not provoke thought or inspire improvement. What mentors do is ask genuine questions that are based on a desire to learn what the player is thinking and that reveal an understanding of the young person’s perspective. A similar question might sound like this: “I appreciate that you have a lot of distractions this week with midterms. I also know you want to up your game. Can you help me figure out what you think is holding you back on the court?’
Thoughtful questions build relationships, encourage collaboration, and drive improvement.
A study found that children in a classroom were motivated to persevere during (what most would consider) boring drills when they could connect those activities to a larger purpose: children who were asked to think about which questions or problems were important for them, who are then reminded that a solid education and hard work will prepare them to deal with these problems, will be better able to focus on the less glamorous side of learning. The same logic applies in sports. Coaches mentors who find a way to connect training, stretching and other home activities as a necessary step toward a player’s goal beyond simple self-interest—such as supporting the team—will inspire more focus and effort.
Yeager explains how Chip Engelland, the shooting coach of several top NBA players, has combined high standards with just enough support to improve athletes’ game. When analyzing a player’s foul shot, Engelland was direct about what needed to change while expressing confidence in the player’s ability to do so. He organized rigorous practices that focused on the exact skills the player needed to master. When the young man makes a mistake, Engelland asks questions—starting with “how did it feel?”—to prompt the player to figure out for himself how to adjust. Engelland maintained his exacting standards and offered constant support despite disappointments and setbacks, all the while encouraging player autonomy. “As a coach, I’m constantly trying to get young players to accept feedback without feeling threatened,” he told Yeager, adding that “it’s basically about the balance between challenge and safety.”
Mentors like Engelland assume that young people are capable and good-natured. Although their behavior may seem silly or illogical to an adult, their position makes sense to them.
It’s best to take the “most generous interpretation” of your teen’s behavior, parenting expert advises Dr. Becky Kennedy.
