Days before the 2024 presidential election, Carolyn Fisher and her husband heard their 16-year-old non-binary child say, “I want to die, Mom.”
Their son, cellphone in hand, was on a call with an LGBTQ crisis counselor. With tears in her eyes, Fisher’s daughter explained, as her parents listened, that she had joined an online group of LGBTQ children who planned to commit suicide if former President Donald Trump won the election.
The Trump campaign — he has said he will “end the left’s gender madness” in schools, medical care, sports, and limit anti-discrimination policies — has been. criticized for his rhetoric against gender non-conforming people.
“I feel like I was a bad mom because I was one of those people,” Fisher, a conservative Trump supporter, said, recalling that she laughed. in a pro-Trump ad on TV which proclaimed “Kamala is for Them/Them. Trump is for you.” Looking back, she remembers her child walking out of the room.
The Rainbow Youth Project’s LGBTQ crisis line said it receives an increase in calls around the holidays.
ABC News Photo illustration by Dani Grandison, Adobe Stock
Fisher says she has long allowed her children to wear the clothes and hairstyles they prefer, even when members of their extended family openly disapprove or mock her child’s choices at holiday gatherings.
Last year, during the holidays, he chose to leave his children alone at home: “He said he wasn’t feeling well, but that was a lie. He’s told us since then that he didn’t want to put that through us,” Fisher said.
But after her child revealed she wanted to take her own life, Fisher said it’s been a wake-up call for the family. Since then, they have devoted hours to discussing gender, politics, and child experiences, building a stronger family support system, and protecting children from hate.
This year, the Fishers are keeping a strict guest list for the holidays: Only those who accept their children’s identities are welcome home, Fisher says.
“It’s not because he committed suicide. That’s because it’s worth it. Our family does not deserve to be neglected,” he said.
Fisher said she has been criticized by family members who say she is letting her child “dictate” by not inviting or visiting certain family members.
“And I’m not ashamed to sit here and say my exact words, ‘You’re damn right, my baby means that to me. I love my baby so much,'” Fisher said.
The holidays can be a difficult time for those in the LGBTQ community who don’t have family to go home to or expect to face criticism at the dinner table. As anti-LGBTQ rhetoric grows across the nation, it has added painful pressure to an already stressful season.
The Rainbow Youth Project, an LGBTQ hotline crediting Fisher for saving her children’s lives, told ABC News that calls to the crisis center increase during the holiday season, with more calls each year than the last.
The holidays can be a difficult time for those in the LGBTQ community as anti-LGBTQ sentiment grows nationwide.
ABC News Photo illustration by Dani Grandison, Adobe Stock
“It’s really important for (callers) to know there is help,” Teegan Mauter, a member of the Rainbow Youth Project’s Transgender Action Committee, said in an interview. “Here there are those who see people, who want to help, who do not want anything from them, but to exist and to be happy.”
The Fisher family joins family and community members who are not supportive this season.
Kenny Dunn, an Ohio father, told ABC News that he has cut people out of his life because of misinformation, falsehoods and offensive comments about his 17-year-old daughter, Melissa, who came out as a lesbian in February.
Since then, her extended family has made it clear that her parents “don’t bring a lesbian” to family events — they were worried that “Melissa being a lesbian would rub off on one of the other kids,” Dunn said. Another family member falsely claimed that Melissa eventually wanted to become transgender, which was a slippery slope.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are not a choice, according to the CDC.
This holiday, the Dunn family leaves their hometown and goes on vacation.
“The last one christmas It was the last Christmas we’ll spend with extended family,” Dunn said.
“If their ignorance and lack of education on how this really works is so severe that they can’t accept my child, or want to talk bad about my child, I don’t need them in my life,” Dunn said. “And it took me a while to get there.”
Melissa told ABC News that it was hard for her to feel the cause of the family feud, saying she fell into a “really dark place” between arguing and fighting.
But the father intervened: “It’s not your fault. It’s their fault. It is their ignorance. And we will not accept that alone”.
As these two families deal with the fallout, they all recognize how lucky they are to have a source of support for their children.
Fisher said her children will be alone during the holidays with online friends across the country, and some no longer live at home with family because they are part of the LGBTQ community.
For Dunn, their home became a place where those who didn’t “fit in” would find support. The recent suicide of Melissa’s close friend – who they say was gay and his family didn’t approve – has added to the pain they feel this season.
Families say they’re standing up for their LGBTQ kids this season.
ABC News Photo illustration by Dani Grandison, Adobe Stock
“I don’t know what it’s like to be gay, but I know what it’s like to sit in your truck, replaying in your head all the memories of this kid who came to your house for shelter and as a sanctuary,” Dunn said. “And I vowed, even though I don’t understand it, that I would be that sanctuary for my child, for my children and for any other child in this neighborhood that is going through that.”
However, it has been a learning process for both families. Dunn and Fisher said they initially had a lot of questions for the child.
Dunn said she has had to let go of the idea that she needs to be “authoritarian” in her children’s lives.
“Sometimes we have to sit back and let the car drive for a minute,” Dunn said. “And of course we have to have a guardrail, but we have to let them drive the car for a minute and try to explore and figure out who they are.”
She said Melissa knew who she was from a young age: “We’re really doing ourselves an injustice because they don’t honor beauty, because they have the courage to be brave, bold and different and not let anyone tell them they can’t be.”
For Fisher, she said, to be an ally for her child, she has to trust someone who says, “I’d rather go through this and make sure that I love my child for who they really feel, rather than trying to love them for something I want them to feel.”
Lines like the Rainbow Youth Project — a resource used by the Fishers and Dunns — hope to be a tool for LGBTQ residents, their families and community members to address similar questions.
In this stressful season, Melissa asks people to be kind.
“It doesn’t take anything out of the ordinary to leave me alone and let me live my life,” she said. “I don’t need another parent or a stranger to tell me I’m wrong. It doesn’t take anything to be nice and kind, and we’re already in a lot of pain.”
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are worried about a friend or loved one, call or text the Suicide Squad & Crisis Lifeline 988 for free confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
