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Most days, being a parent can feel like the most thankless job in the world. You are working tirelessly and we put our heart and soul into giving everything to your children, but it’s rare that we even get a “thank you”, much less a heartfelt acknowledgment of all you’ve done for your children. Sure, it would be nice to hear “thank you” every now and then, but does experiencing gratitude from those you love really matter?
Previous research has found that hearing “thank you” or any expression of gratitude may be important to the quality of the relationship between romantic partners, but what about the relationship between a parent and a child, or what about the quality of a relationship between two partners , who are also parents? A study recently published in Journal of Positive Psychology addressed this question by examining whether hearing “thank you” was associated with any positive outcomes such as improved relationships, less parenting stress, or better psychological well-being.
Study details
This study included 593 parents of children aged 4 to 17 years. All parents in this study were married or in a romantic relationship. Parents filled out a questionnaire about whether their family members expressed gratitude, that is, to what extent their partner or children expressed appreciation and recognition for the work they did for the family. The researchers also asked about their relationship with their partner, their level of parenting stress, and whether they had experienced any symptoms of psychological distress (translation: feelings of nervousness, hopelessness, or depression). The researchers divided the children into a younger group (4 to 12 years old) and an older group (13 to 17 years old) to see if the children’s age had any effect.
Main findings
The researchers found the following:
- Gratitude in children (both older and younger) is associated with lower parenting stress. This seems to be especially true for gratitude from older children.
- Gratitude from romantic partners and older children is associated with lower levels of psychological distress. This means that gratitude from your family members is associated with being less likely to feel nervous, hopeless, or depressed.
- Gratitude from a romantic partner or spouse is associated with better relationship quality but not lower parenting stress. This makes a backup previous research and extends it to relationships in the context of parenting.
- Mothers feel less valued than fathers. Mothers reported lower levels of gratitude from partners and older children.
- Gratitude may be more important to mothers than to fathers. Gratitude appears to have a greater positive impact for mothers than for fathers.
Complete translation
The take home message here is that it really does matter if you hear “thank you” as a parent. Feeling that your children and partner are grateful for all the work you do is linked to improved relationship quality, lower parenting stress and a lower risk of psychological distress. There seem to be unique benefits to feeling gratitude from your partner over your children, so it may be important to receive gratitude from both of you. In terms of gratitude from your children, it seems more meaningful when it comes from older, teenage children. This may be because older children can express their gratitude more sincerely and specifically than younger children. Finally, gratitude can be harder earned and more meaningful for mothers than for fathers. Research found that mothers take on about twice as much housework as fathers on average, so it stands to reason that they would expect more gratitude and value it more when they receive it.
