A study of praise
First, it is important to mention that there is nothing wrong with praise. Praise has long been a tool encouraged by psychologists and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. Most psychologists and researchers consider praise to be an essential part of positive parenting. Research also shows that praise in general has a positive effect on children because praise is associated with improvement academic performanceincreased likelihood of engaging in good and helpful behavior and increased social competence. Praise from parents is even associated with enlarged brain substance in an area of the brain associated with empathy, conscientiousness, and open-mindedness. We also don’t have any evidence that praise in general reduces intrinsic motivation, and in fact we do evidence that praise can increase intrinsic motivation.however research finds this how you praise your child matters and that some types of praise may be better than other types of praise. Fortunately, research gives us some guidance here.
How to praise your child
So how exactly should you praise your children? The research provides the following advice:
- Praise the process, not the person. Praise your child’s effort, strategy, and process, rather than praising traits he can’t easily change (like intelligence, athleticism, or beauty). Research found that “process praise” (translation: praising effort, strategy, and process) boosted children’s intrinsic motivation and persistence in the face of challenges. “Praise the person” (translation: praise fixed traits associated with the person, such as “you’re so smart/pretty/handsome”) tends to produce children fixate more on their mistakes, give up more easily and they blame themselves. Why is this happening? Imagine if your parents always told you how smart you were and then you just couldn’t figure out algebra. You might assume your parents are wrong and you’re not really “smart” and decide there’s no point in even trying because you’re either “smart” or “not smart”—it’s a fixed trait you can’t change. the changes. You may also feel less inclined to challenge yourself (because what if you fail and they no longer think you’re “smart”) and you may be more likely to cheat to prove you’re ” smart”. The pressure to achieve feels both overwhelming and out of your control. However, if your parents praised you mostly for how hard you worked at math, you’ll probably just work harder if you don’t understand algebra, completely avoiding the intense pressure and existential crisis of not being “smart” anymore.
- Use supportive, not controlling, praise. Research suggests that you should avoid using praise that aims to control your child’s behavior, as this type of praise does appear to reduce intrinsic motivation. In other words, the purpose of your praise should not be to try to pressure your child into doing what you want. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so good at science. You should be a doctor like me when you grow up,” say, “You seem to really enjoy science and really work hard to understand it.” Be careful with any praise that uses the word “should” or might make your child to feel pressured.
- Avoid using praise that compares your child to other children. When you use praise to compare your child to other children, it looks like this improve performance in the short term, but in the long run, this practice can make your children evaluate their performance only in relation to other people instead of achieving their own goals or enjoying themselves. For example, instead of praising your child for being the best soccer player on his team, focus on his own performance. You want to be extra careful not to compare your child to their siblings with your praise (such as, “You’re such a better listener than your brother”), because research found that sibling comparisons were associated with behavioral problems.
- Use specific, not general, praise. Research found that praising specific information helps children learn how to improve their behavior in the future. For example, “good job, you put your toys back in the bin after you finished using them” helps children learn a specific expectation. If you just say “good job” after your child has cleaned up his toys, he may not know what you mean. However, it is important to mention that a recent study found that even general and vague praise (“Yes” in this study) may not undermine persistence or make children view themselves more negatively. The only concern with this type of blanket praise is that it may not give kids an idea of how to improve in the future.
- Use gestures as praise. Research also suggests that parents may want to use gestures (high five, thumbs up) to encourage their children from time to time. Research found that gestures can even be very effective in improving children’s self-esteem, which is their own assessment of how they have done and how they feel about it.
- Combine praise with positive attention. Try using praise with positive attention or a positive nonverbal response (a hug, smile, pat, or other type of physical affection). Research finds that it may be most effective in improving children’s behavior.
- Be sincere with your praise. This last tip may be the most important. Research suggests that when children perceive that their parents either overpraise or undervalue their performance, they are more likely to experience depression and lower academic achievement. Research also found that overly expansive praise (such as “That’s the most beautiful drawing I’ve ever seen”) was associated with children developing low self-esteem, avoiding challenges, and becoming overly dependent on praise.
So can you say “I’m so proud of you”?
There is no research specifically examining the impact of telling your children, “I’m so proud of you,” or even research comparing phrases that focus on a child’s self-esteem versus an adult’s assessment (such as, “You look so pleased with that piece of art ” vs. “I think your artwork is so beautiful”), so it’s hard to make a specific recommendation about this phrase. However, based on the research we have, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with saying “I’m proud of you.” However, research suggests that you may want to make sure you’re specific (“I’m proud of you for trying so hard to fit into the team”) rather than focusing on fixed traits (“I’m proud of you for helping of others’ vs. ‘I’m proud of you for being a helper’) and not being controlling or pushy (‘I’m so proud you’re finally getting an A in math’).
How about “Good Job”?
Again, there is no research specifically looking at the phrase “good job.” Based on the research we have, “good job” doesn’t seem to be harmful, but it may not be specific enough. If your child doesn’t know what you mean, they may misinterpret or discredit your praise. Also, “good job” is often used disingenuously. I imagine a scenario where your child insists that you watch them do hundreds of handstands in the pool and you say “good job” to each one without even looking up from your phone. It is easy to see how this experience would cheapen the experience of praise for children.
What happens if you don’t praise perfectly?
After reading all of this research, you may feel overwhelmed by all these “praise rules” or guilty about the times you didn’t follow these guidelines. But don’t stress—you don’t have to do this perfectly (and literally no parent ever did)! Just aim to follow these rules as often as you can. Research found that while most of the praise children heard (at least three out of four times) was praise supported by research, children showed increased persistence and improved self-esteem. This means that even if you forget these rules 1 out of 4 times, there is no reason to worry. So when you slip up and call your child “smart” or give them an insincere “good job” (and believe me – we have everyone do it), your child will be fine.
Some examples of the type of praise you should use
I can see how hard you’ve worked on this
