To illustrate, Twenge points to driving. Some children may feel ready at 12, others much later, but as a society we commit to a legal driving age. She believes technology should work the same way. Sixteen, she argues, is an appropriate age because by then most teenagers are entrusted with other responsibilities, such as driving and getting around on their own. Research also shows that older teens have stronger self-regulation skillswhich helps them deal more safely with the distractions and stresses of smartphones.
Twenge also recommends waiting until age 16 or later before allowing children to use social media, which is later than the current legal minimum of 13 years.
“Sixteen is a good compromise,” she said. “It’s based on the idea that by then kids are past those intense middle school years when peer pressure is at its strongest. They’re more confident in their identities and relationships, and generally more mature and responsible.”
According to Cathy Do, an assistant research scientist at the California Institute of Law, Neuroscience and Education, teenagers are particularly sensitive to the addictive aspects of social media precisely because this is when they are most attuned to social status.
“Relationships with peers become more important during adolescence compared to childhood and adulthood. The motivation and reward systems in the brain are more active during adolescence,” she said. “Teenagers show strong brain responses to social rewards—things like praise, attention, and inclusion—and to social threats like rejection or abandonment.”
The digital landscape has changed dramatically since 2017. Parents could then give the child a flip phone for calls and texts. Today, with smartphones dominating the market, a flip phone can seem impractical or socially isolating. As an intermediate option, Twenge points to “light phones” that allow calls and text messages but block access to social media, web browsers and potentially dangerous apps. Some even come with preset restrictions, such as no dating apps or AI chatbots, to give parents more peace of mind.
Technology-free zones and freedom in the real world
Schools are already seeing positive results from phone bansincluding students who take greater academic risks because they no longer worry about other students making permanent digital recordings of an embarrassing moment.
At home, Twenge encourages families to establish “phone-free zones”—times and places where devices are restricted or prohibited. The most important of these, she claims, is the bedroom at night.
“I say in the book, if you’re only going to stick to one rule, do it,” Twenge said. “Just to preserve sleep because it’s so important for physical and mental health.” Research consistently links screen use at night to disturbed sleepwhich in turn affects mood, learning and general well-being.
Other phone-free zones might include family dinners or family vacations. Children are more receptive when parents model the same behavior. “A little bit of digital hypocrisy is fine, but you really have to be a good role model,” Twenge explained. “If you’re going to say no phones at the family dinner table, then you yourself should follow that rule as much as possible.” Holidays can be more difficult as children often want to stay in touch with friends. In these cases, Twenge suggests setting a short, predictable window for phone use, such as after dinner.
When phones are put away, parents can create space for what Twenge calls “real-world freedom.” This means encouraging children to build independence, life skills and offline social connections. Examples include walking to school, riding a bike to a friend’s house, running errands, or helping at home with chores such as laundry or cooking. “And it’s great for parents, too,” Twenge added, “because then you don’t have to cook tonight.”
Is it too late for rules?
Ideally, stricter regulations would place more responsibility on companies that design apps that attract users. In the absence of such guardrails, much of the responsibility falls on the parents.
“One of the biggest challenges of modern parenting is wanting be loving but firm. (You get the best results) when you can do both,” Twenge said. She added that parents can explain the reasoning behind their choices, though that won’t always stop kids from questioning the rules.
Many children already recognize when their own or their friends’ relationships with technology are unhealthy. “Whether it’s one-on-one or when I’m giving talks at middle schools or high schools, that’s the common theme: They know it’s a problem. They just don’t always know what to do about it, partly because they feel like all their friends are doing it,” Twenge said. Parents can help by giving children language they can use with peers, such as “I may not get back to you right away because I’m at a family dinner” or “I need to keep my phone out of the bedroom when I fall asleep.”
For parents who introduced smartphones or apps before the age of 16, Twenge highlights this it’s not too late to make changes. “It’s a real myth that you can never go back. You absolutely can,” she said. The approach depends on the age of the child. For an 11-year-old with an unlimited smartphone, she advises giving back access by replacing it with a flip phone, a regular phone, or even no phone at all. For a 15-year-old, parents may allow them to keep the device but add new safety fences.
“Put parental controls on it so they can’t download apps themselves,” suggested Twenge. “Then you have to have a conversation about why they want a certain app.”
