Parents Labeling a Kid’s Friend a Bad Influence Can Backfire

Parents can hold back on labeling a child’s friend as a bad influence

Who Francine Russo

Parents have always blamed teenage misbehavior on their children’s friends: they may say that their children “fell into bad company” or “got involved with the wrong crowd”. To combat what they perceive as harmful influences, parents have responded with strategies ranging from criticizing unruly companions to forbidding contact altogether. This type of parental response has been documented the netherlands to China.

In fact, the question remains whether putting these supposed bad effects off limits actually helps children. “Not a bit” is the answer, according to child psychology researchers. In fact, this type of response actually backfires. As researchers have found on several occasions studiesparental disapproval or restrictions on hanging out with a suspected bad actor make behavior problems worse, and experts don’t know why. “People have seen that; they scratch their heads and say they don’t know what to do,” says Brett Laursen, a psychologist at Florida Atlantic University.

Previous studies have provided a partial explanation that is consistent with the experience of most parents. As children begin to form identities separate from their parents, they resist parental direction and control. Like the characters in the musical Father The Fantasticks sing: “You can be sure the devil will pay / The minute you say no.” “A study titledForbidden Friends as Forbidden Fruit“Researchers from the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands proved this to be true with a sample of Dutch boys around the age of 13. The researchers found that when their parents forbade them from hanging out with troubled friends, the boys sought out and stuck with these out-of-bounds friends. The result? Their own problems, including vandalism, theft and arson were defined as behaviors.

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Such rebellious behavior provides only part of the answer. These interactions are a complex mix of motivations. Laursen, with his co-author Goda Kaniušonytė, sets out a more comprehensive explanation in a new. to analyze. The researchers surveyed nearly 600 Lithuanian boys and girls aged 9 to 14 at the beginning, middle and end of the school year. At each time, the students answered a series of questions on the tablets about their emotions, their behavior (from shoplifting to breaking windows), their relationship with their mother, and their feelings about the friends their mother had and the ones their mother wanted. -good students, for example.

An important dimension that was not considered in previous studies was included. The researchers measured maternal disapproval at each time point. The children were also asked to list classmates they liked, disliked or considered disruptive.

A clear pattern emerged. Whenever a child had behavioral problems—and the mother disapproved of friends—those peers, on the other hand, disliked the child and the child’s behavior worsened. It makes sense that behavioral problems are linked to rejection, Laursen says. “The mystery is, why did the mother’s intervention lead to more problems? And it’s because their classmates hate them. Children hate their parents interfering in peer relationships.’ He added that neglected children tend to hang out with other neglected children who may have behavioral problems.

The idea that parental interference in peer friendships can make a child seem “sweet” and set them on a disruptive path is very new, says Nina Mounts, a developmental psychologist at Northern Illinois University. It’s consistent with research showing that bans are probably not a good strategy for parents, he says. “Consulting with children, on the other hand, leads to prosocial behavior, more empathy and better social skills.”

The tensions of finding their place can make it difficult to navigate the perils of being a teenager. “Adolescence is a very anxious time,” says Vanessa Bradden, a family therapist based in Chicago. “Kids are trying to find out who their peers are.” While parents may be tempted to express distaste for certain friendships, it’s probably best to hold back and express understanding of your child’s situation, including how urgently he needs to fit in with his peers. You can suggest, “I know the kids are vaping and drinking, but I’m most concerned about what you’re doing and how you can stay safe.” If you find out that your child is doing something dangerous with friends, you can point out how serious it is and set an appropriate punishment; maybe staying home for two weeks after school without video games. But being told they can no longer be friends with someone shouldn’t be a punishment, she advises.

Erica Lee, a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital Boston, advises parents to take a deep breath, try to stay calm, and understand what their child really did and why. It may be only part of the story, he says. “It’s important to tell your children, I want to understand what happened from your point of view.” You might ask them why they are so attractive to some people, even though they allow behaviors that lead to bad consequences. It’s rare for the behavior to be so extreme that it separates your child from friends and risks social isolation, she says. Therapy could be an option for a child with this type of problem.

Laursen says an important takeaway from her research is that parental interference in a child’s friendships not only disrupts their social life, but also damages the parent-child relationship. “And the one thing we know is that if parents are going to be effective in middle school, kids have to have a close, warm relationship with that parent,” he says. “You have to stay in the game, in other words. And by trying to cut your child off from his friends, you’re automatically taking yourself out of the game.”