I used to think. It is being stirred up. It means someone else was doing it wrong. Someone interrupted me, was late again, or spoke too loudly. I felt my anger was justified. After all, it is clear that the problem is outside of me. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
Over time, however, I began to notice a pattern that was difficult to sit with. The things that bother me most about other people often point to something unresolved within me. Not in a clean or obvious way, and certainly not in the way I initially liked to explore.
Once I started paying attention, I noticed that those moments of frustration were effective teachers.
“If you see it, you understand it”
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “If you’ve seen it, you’ve got it.” I didn’t invent it, and I’m certainly not the first person to explore this idea. Carl Jung’s work around the “shadow” appears in modern psychology through concepts such as projection. and in traditions that emphasize contemplative self-inquiry.
The idea is that strong. Emotional responses They can act as a mirror for others. When something really bothers us, it may be tapping into something unhealed or suppressed within ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re just like everyone else. It does not mean that their behavior is acceptable or that we should tolerate harm. It simply means that there is something that resonates.
This distinction is important. “If you’ve seen it, you’ve got it” is not self-blame or criticism. It’s about curiosity. It is an invitation to look within instead of projecting all comfort onto the outside world. And that shift, while uncomfortable at first, can be incredibly liberating.
Triggers are a human thing.
We all have people who push our buttons. shortcut. He who knows all. A chronically late friend. Loud speaker. The person who seems to occupy every space in the room. These reactions are not personal failures, but part of being human.
Ours Minds are wired To perceive threats and negativity as a defense mechanism. Research suggests that we have a strong negativity bias, which means we notice what makes us angry more than what makes us happy. While it can be used for survival purposes, it often makes us feel and react to stress.
Research on self-reflection and emotional regulation shows benefits when people are willing to examine their internal reactions. People who engage in self-inquiry report lower anxiety and better emotional regulation. In other words, the work may be uncomfortable, but not without pay.
Prediction and the psychology behind it
One useful framework for understanding this pattern is psychological prediction. Projection is a defense mechanism in which we see in another person behaviors that we have denied or suppressed in ourselves. Instead of saying, “I struggle with this,” we subconsciously say, “They are the problem.”
A 2001 study by Journal of Personality and Social Psychology They found that people who denied being aggressive were more likely to witness violence in others. If we are not willing to acknowledge something internally, chances are we will see it externally.
This does not mean that every disappointment is a prediction. But when the response feels unbalanced, repetitive, or impulsive, it’s often worth asking why. Why this behavior? Why this person? Why this strength?
The mirror in our mind
There is also a biological layer to this discussion. They have people mirror neurons, It helps us to recognize and reflect the emotional states and behaviors of others. These neurons play a critical role in empathy, learning, and social bonding.
Sometimes the discomfort we feel from others is not the same as a judgment of recognition. We are seeing something common. It’s something we’ve buried, gotten rid of, or completely rejected. That recognition can feel threatening, especially if we work hard to suppress that behavior in ourselves.
When we encounter someone who openly expresses what we have pushed, it can throw off his inner balance. The frustration is less about them and more about the cost of maintaining our own internal rules.
Examples of everyday mirror effects
This can be seen in subtle ways. If we are really bothered by someone acting arrogant, it is probably because we have oppressed him. Our own confidence Or realize it’s not safe to be seen. If laziness has triggered us, perhaps we are too busy and resentful because we don’t allow ourselves to rest. If attention-seeking behavior is irritating us, there may be something we haven’t allowed ourselves to call out that needs incomplete acknowledgment.
Often, there is more than one layer to the game. Human behavior is not so simple. A trigger can reveal both repressed desire and deep fear. It is for this complexity that curiosity is important rather than trying to jump to conclusions.
The mirror is not about labeling ourselves bad or flawed. It’s about understanding where our reactions come from and what they may be asking us to integrate.
Personal education in the online world
I spent almost two decades work online, It still seems strange to say. In the early days of the platform, I went through the booming social media and multiple polling stages. During those years, my body changed through pregnancy, health issues, healing journeys and periods of stress.
Along the way I have received some very hurtful comments. At one point, I found entire online sites dedicated to criticizing my appearance. For weeks, I played the words over and over in my head and considered quitting my job altogether.
What helped in the end was not pretending those comments didn’t hurt. He became honest about extremism why? They are hurt. There was an element of truth to what they explored, and it reflected the insecurities I carried. Still very uncomfortable, I realized that my inner critic was using the same language to myself and sometimes to others in my head.
Facing that reality was not easy. I realized that while I can’t control what strangers say about me on the Internet, I can work on my inner speech. Over time, I like soft That inner voice And I practiced more kindness (to myself and others), I noticed a change. I started seeing more positive things in my life.
The positive flip side of the mirror
This principle does not only apply to negative traits. We often notice positive qualities in others because they exist within us. Appreciation can be like a mirror to resentment.
When we intentionally notice generosity, courage, creativity, or kindness, we strengthen our ability to recognize and practice those qualities ourselves. As we practice, our understanding grows.
Over time, I realized that training myself to see the good in others made my life easier. There was no ignoring the facts or forcing positivity. It was choosing where to focus. And that choice changed how I experienced the world.
A simple but powerful first step: pause
One of the most practical tools I’ve found is the simplest. Stop and pause. When something triggers you, take a breath before you react. Ask what this is showing you about yourself.
This simple question can break reactive patterns. It creates a gap between what motivates us to give insight and our response.
The suspension was particularly impactful. As a parent. Children are incredible mirrors. They reflect our impatience, our unhealed wounds, and our unspoken desires. Pausing allows us to meet their reality instead of defending our own.
Choosing curiosity over being right
Dr. Kelly Brogan She shared a story about asking her daughters what they wanted from her and what was unhealed in their relationship. She expected glowing reviews of her work as a mother. Instead, she received an accurate comment that was painful to hear.
Her instinct, like most of us, was to defend herself, justify and explain. Instead, she chose the owl. She asked questions and listened. And that choice deepens the relationship with her children instead of tearing them apart.
Being right usually feels safer at this point. But being curious creates a connection. This goes beyond parenting. Most conflicts are resolved if one person is willing to stay together instead of correcting the other person’s experience.
The 3-2-1 shade process
When trigger feels confusing, a structured approach can help. One tool that has been useful to me is the 3-2-1 Shadow Process, often described by Ken Wilber.
- Identify the subject in the third person. What worries you about them? Name it clearly.
- Present in the second person. In your mind, speak directly to the person and say what comes next.
- Finally bring it to the first person. They captured the character somehow. This doesn’t mean labeling yourself too hard. Maybe, “There’s a part of me that struggles with this,” or “I’ve noticed this pattern in myself.” It might seem.
When the subject is in the first person, you have the authority to deal with it.
Curiosity rather than judgment.
One of my favorite reminders comes from a show. Ted Lassomy favorite TV show. He quotes the verse, “Be curious and not judgmental.” It is a simple but profound reminder.
Judgment closes learning while curiosity opens. “Why do I think this affects me?” instead of “I hate when people do this.” When we replace it with We will restore agency. We move from reaction to reflection.
This change does not excuse harmful behavior. He easily understands that Our peace It should not depend on other changes.
Practice self-compassion along the way
It is important to approach this work with self-compassion. Understanding is not correcting or criticizing, but integrating.
Blame creates more fragmentation, but compassion allows for healing. When we are curious and kind to ourselves, even inconvenient truths can be obeyed. I find journaling to be a very useful tool for this. Here are some questions to get you curious.
- What bothers me the most about others?
- Where does this show up in me, even subtly?
- How can this feature benefit me if integrated?
- How would you feel if you were less affected by this?
What changes over time
This work was not linear or easy, but over time, it helped me soften my reactions and bring peace. What was bound by anger and judgment is an increase in compassion and a freeing energy.
When triggers become teachers, painful moments turn into guidance. They refer to us Our own rooms Asking for attention, healing or acceptance. The things we judge others about are still things we learn to hold gently within ourselves.
Final thoughts about triggers
The idea that triggers can be teachers is not intended to be dogma. It is an invitation to find enthusiasm and, as a result, more peace. For me, returning from the mercy of external circumstances to internal agency is a powerful shift.
“If you’ve seen it, you’ve got it” is about opportunity, not shame. It’s about returning our power to ourselves and being curious rather than judgmental, reflective rather than reactive.
As Rumi wrote, “The wound is where the light comes in. If we are willing to look, sometimes our strongest reactions point to places where growth is waiting.”
What are some triggers you’ve noticed in your life? Wondering how to change these and make them more curious? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
