How to Tactfully Ask Your Child’s Friend’s Parents if They Have Guns at Home

How to ask your child’s friend’s parents if they have guns at home

Who Sarah Novak edited by Gary Stix

It’s an interview Marian Betz admits can feel awkward at first. Bringing this up could also be seen as questioning the suitability of someone else’s parenting. But Betz, a mother of two teenage girls in Denver, Colo., says that because of the ubiquitous nature of firearms in American homes, she regularly asks other parents to secure them. In fact, she has done so since her children started having play dates and sleepovers a decade ago.

Many parents don’t realize they should be asked about guns or are too embarrassed to do so. A study published last month Pediatrics found that more than 60 percent of Illinois parents the researchers surveyed had never ask another parent Whether or not the firearm was unlocked in that person’s home before letting their child visit for a play date. This is a surprising statistic considering that among children under the age of 14, almost 20 percent unintentional firearm-related deaths occur at a friend’s home.

BetzA professor of emergency medicine at the University of Colorado School of Medicine and an expert in firearms injury and suicide prevention, he has seen firsthand the damage that can be done when guns are left unlocked at home. A total of 2,526 children and adolescents were killed by gunfire in the U.S. in 2022, according to a report released in September by the Johns Hopkins Center for Solutions to Violence.

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A simple conversation can go a long way in preventing accidental deaths. Betz raises questions about guns as one of the safety issues parents should discuss together before playdates, including everything from food allergies, unsupervised pool access, marijuana, alcohol and adult supervision. But the most important debate is about access to unlocked firearms. Betz taught herself to have these conversations because she says you can’t predict exactly who might own the gun. “Our stereotypes about gun owners may be wrong,” says Betz. “In a country where 40 percent of adults live in a house with a gun, you can’t go by the political yard sign or the TV channel of your choice.”

While non-gun owners may think asking about guns is too much, research shows, perhaps surprisingly, that gun owners welcome the conversation, says Nick Buttrick. A psychologist who studies the symbolism of gun ownership at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. People in the discussion groups who own guns say that talking about gun safety is really important to them. “Anticipated friction stops people from having the conversation,” says Buttrick, “but when they actually have it, it’s received with more positivity than they could have imagined.”

Non-gun owners, he added, can feel out of their depth when asked about safe gun storage because they may not know what it entails. The ideal practice is called triple safe storage: a locked and unloaded weapon with ammunition stored separately. Knowing what you’re looking for before you ask can ease pre-interview anxiety, Buttrick says.

Also, a study published in PNAS on April 8 found that there is widespread discomfort in the gun-owning community with the insecurity of storing firearms. In the study, Republican gun owners also didn’t want their neighbors to have quick access to unlocked and loaded firearms. And if a person knew someone living next door didn’t keep a gun in a safe or at least had a gun holster, they were less likely to be willing to meet with that neighbor, says Justin Sola, the study’s lead author. and one Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This consensus was true for both “red” and “blue” voters, gun owners or not. “There’s a penalty that people impose on their neighbors if they don’t store their guns safely,” says Sola. He says there’s a universal aversion to unsafe storage that both gun owners and non-gun owners can agree on, all of which can make parenting conversations easier.

Another good strategy is not to ask if an individual has a gun, but to take it upon themselves to go and ask if that gun is locked, says Paul Nestadt. Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Universitywhose research focuses on gun death and suicide prevention. It’s not about whether you should prosecute someone for having guns; that is, whether or not these guns are locked up so that children do not have access to them. “Asking something more innocuous, like, ‘How do you store your gun?’ It makes people feel less defensive, so they’re more likely to be honest,” says Nestadt. If they don’t have a gun, they can say so, and if they do, the data shows they’re more likely to want to talk about how they keep it, she adds.

The danger of unlocked firearms to children and teens extends beyond gun accidents to the serious threat of suicide, which has increased. 21 percent In that age range from 2019 to 2021. And teen mental health may, for some parents, be a more comfortable starting point for the firearms conversation. Many parents in the US do not realize this the most common form of firearm death it’s suicide “We know that teenagers are impulsive, so guns need to be locked up and out of reach of children without supervision,” says Betz. Also, parents should talk to their children What to do if they come across a gun at a friend’s house. Short answer: Leave the room and call a parent immediately. While this may seem obvious, it may not be to children who have never been around firearms.

Many parents may assume that their teen does not have a gun at home when their child knows the combination of the lock and where it is hidden. Research published in the March 2021 issue of JAMA found that while 70 percent of parents reported that their teens could not access a gun in the home, more than a third of those teens knew how to do so, underscoring the need to take the necessary safety precautions.

Although mass shootings make up a much smaller percentage of gun deaths than suicide, they can be devastating to the communities in which they occur. Half of school shootings are committed by current or former students. And three quarters of the timethe weapon came from the shooter’s home or the home of a friend or relative.

Eventually, parents will have many uncomfortable conversations with other parents, teachers, and caregivers, not because they want to, but because they are trying to keep their children safe. “Imagine if something happened, and it happened because you were too embarrassed to ask,” says Betz. “That sounds awful to me.”

IF YOU NEED HELP

If you or someone you know is struggling or having suicidal thoughts, help is available. Call or text 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or use it online Lifeline Chat.