When you’re in the trenches of parenting, it’s easy to forget that the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted, happy, fully formed adults. This door can seem distant and abstract, especially to those of us with young children, and it can be so easy to focus only on the strategies we need to get through our daily lives. However, it’s nice to zoom out and look at the bigger picture every now and then.
Can the research give us some insight here? Can we look at high-functioning adults and figure out what their parents did “right” and “wrong”? Well, researchers have done just that by following people from childhood to adulthood and looking at parenting practices that are associated with “psychological well-being” in adulthood. Psychological well-being is a measure of life satisfaction and psychological health that includes personal growth, self-acceptance, and purpose in life (translation: how well adjusted you are). I think we can all agree that this is something we would want for our children.
Two relatively large studies (cf here and here) found two parenting factors to be associated with psychological well-being as adults:
- High levels of parental care: Parental care refers to a warm and loving relationship with parents. Parental care is associated with positive relationships later in life. This may be because the parent-child relationship provides a template for healthy relationships for their children.
- Low levels of psychological control: Psychological control is a parenting approach that involves trying to control your child’s thoughts and feelings. This can include guilt-triggering, manipulating your child into feeling or thinking the way you want, shaming, invalidating, personal attacks, or withdrawing affection when your child doesn’t share your thoughts or feelings. Psychological control can be contrasted with behavioral control, which simply means placing limits on your child’s behavior. Psychological control is generally associated with worse psychological outcomes, while behavioral control is associated with better outcomes
What does parental care actually look like in practice?
- Being gentle (both physically and verbally) (see this previous newsletter for tips on how to be more affectionate)
- Listening and genuinely seeking to understand your child’s problems and concerns
- Using a warm and friendly voice with them and showing them positive emotions
- Praise them and give them positive attention whenever possible
- Show your children that you enjoy spending time with them and are interested in what they have to say
- It helps them feel better when they are upset
- Making them feel valued and important
What do low levels of psychological control look like in practice?
- Encouraging your child’s growing independence from you
- Let them know you trust them
- Allowing them to make their own decisions whenever possible
- Validating their emotions even when you don’t feel the same emotions
- Asking for their thoughts and opinions and really listening to what they say
- Allowing them to explore their own interests and passions
Complete translation
