There is no perfect parenting. That’s the opinion of Dr. Becky Kennedy, a self-described “clinical psychologist turned disruptor.” parenthood support space”, he says luck There is effective parenthood, however. “And the key to effective parenting … is what I call strong leadership,” she says.
His model of strong leadership, as taught through his coaching company Good Insideit’s about helping parents understand their role and their child, and how to help their children develop the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve their behavior, but to become successful, fully functioning adults,” the mother tells her 7-, 10- and 13-year-olds.
A big element of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a strong, secure and successful future, Kennedy emphasized. And you do that by “optimizing your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.
Here, Kennedy explains how to keep this approach in your parenting routine.
Choose your battles wisely
“There are times when I optimize for the short-term happiness of my children,” Kennedy admits. “I’m human and sometimes I say, ‘You know what? OK, have ice cream for breakfast.'”
But one percent of the time, he insists, parents need to be “long-term greedy,” meaning it’s important to consider your children’s future, and the fact that they’ll likely be living away from you for many more years than they are. i will be with you
“I think the stakes are higher,” he says. “I also believe that the best gift I can give my child is the ability to handle tough things: to have the skills to deal with what life throws at you and to know that you can overcome difficult situations.”
It’s what Kennedy believes gives kids a “bigger leg up” than anything else. “Life is hard… And our kids don’t get the skills to do hard things as a birthday present. They don’t get them from reading a book. You get those skills by practicing them over and over again.’
Don’t fix everything for your kids all the time
Finding challenging situations that can teach your children about resilience is not difficult. “You don’t have to include the hard times: They can’t do puzzles, they’re struggling with math work, they’re not invited to the party,” Kennedy says, illustrating how they come in a typical clip. all the time
What’s hard, however, is not to jump in to fix tough times for your kids, to see them struggling or upset because you hate them.
“If I’m optimizing for short-term convenience, I’ll fix the situation,” Kennedy says. And by doing that for your child, “they begin to struggle with the immediate solution.” In other words, “Their body says, ‘I was left out of a party; my mother threw me a bigger party than that kid’s birthday.’ “I can’t do the puzzle; my father finished me.” And entering that way creates a set of expectations for your child in the world, he explains.
“So fast forward many years and if this is the pattern, then when my child delays his flight, my child, at 25 years old, will call me in a fit of rage, expect me to personally book him on another flight and pay him to do this, because their body says: ‘ I fight because my parents offer me an immediate solution.”
Instead, consider giving your child a chance to deal with the hard part and come up with their own solution. “Learning to fight is very important. That’s how you achieve success,” says Kennedy. “The better you are at fighting—not in a toxic way, but when you stay better in a fighting moment—the more resilient you can be. And so I think of that as a guiding principle.”
Here’s how to wire for resilience
“I hate things that aren’t action,” says Kennedy. So it offers two components that parents can help their children with whenever they struggle with resilience: validation and empowerment.
With validation, you are first verifying that your child is upset. And you can do that “Oh, it stinks.”
“‘Oh, it stinks,’ is the most underused parenting phrase,” she says. “Parents always expect me to say something super sophisticated. “Oh, that stinks. Oh, that’s the worst’”, however, it does the job.
Next should be the “reflective ability part”. Then when you say something like, “‘I know we can get through this.’ My kid can’t do puzzles. “Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really difficult. I know that if you take a deep breath, you can keep at it.’ That’s what connects a child to that long-term resilience,” he says, “as opposed to short-term instant gratification.”
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