How Frazzled Parents Can Be More Present with Kids during the Holidays

How spoiled parents can be more present with children on holiday

Who Julia Felton, Crystal Cederna & Interview USA

The following text is reprinted with the user’s permission The conversationan online publication featuring the latest research.

The holidays are often pictured as picture-perfect moments: families happily gathered around a table full of seasonal favorites against a breathtaking backdrop. For many parents, trying to meet such unrealistic expectations can undermine their self-worth, and their sanity.

In the real world, parents are doing more activities than there are candles in the menorah after the eight nights of Hanukkah. It’s all too easy to fall into the survivalist parenting approach where all you care about is getting through the day. When those holiday cookies need baking, there’s no time to teach a child how to crack an egg.

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As moms, we understand that these holidays are anything but vacations. We are both child psychologists and mental health experts who work with children, adolescents and their families to support realistic and healthy approaches to parenting. We know what’s on parenting bucket lists, and luckily, this wish list is easier to fulfill than many moms and dads think.

Current status of parents

US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy He released a statement in August 2024 asking for the speedy recovery of the parents’ well-being. Murthy – along with scientists and parents – observes that the current stress of parents is seriously affecting the physical and mental health of caregivers.

Dr. Vivek Murthy expresses his concern over reports that nearly half of parents feel overwhelmed by stress on most days.

Today’s moms and dads are busier and more isolated than ever. According to a report released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics in April 2024, both parents work in nearly 2 out of 3 US households headed by married couples. In single-parent households, the number of employed parents is just over 3 out of 4 families headed by mothers and more than 4 out of 5 families headed by fathers.

Additionally, data from the 2022 Household Pulse Survey found that most parents (including 35% with children under 5 and 54% with children between 5 and 11) they have no formal child support. Undoubtedly, this has driven it, at least to some extent raising costs and increasing the scarcity of daytime care options.

Our experience as both clinicians and mothers is that children are busier than ever between school and extracurricular activities. It’s no wonder parents go into survival mode, trying to get through everything they need to do and demanding that their children and others do the same.

The science behind “survival parenting.”

Our research shows that the focus should be on just spending the day with your children associated with more stress and harsher parenting behaviors.

When a mother or father is in a survival mode, they tend to be more inclined to yell and criticize their child’s behavior than to think about the consequences of that behavior. Stressed parents are faster criticize the little things that get in the way accomplishing immediate goals such as pouring flour onto the floor. And they are slower to notice and recognize the child’s strengths, such as their interest in helping in the kitchen.

The result is more stress and less joy for parents.

As good research ideas often do, this one grew out of our own experiences. During the COVID-19 pandemic, we noticed that even the best-intentioned parents – including us – struggle to stay out of the survival parenting trap amid isolation, over-scheduling and life stress. We were trying to get everything done in our day without any help, so we encouraged our children to speed up, stop walking, so as not to make mistakes. We were living from moment to moment, instead of thinking about the potential long-term effects of our behavior.

Recent epidemiological studies show that we were not alone: ​​parents with children at home were and continue to be. depressed, anxious and burnt out. These challenges negatively affect their relationships with their children and their mental health.

In fact, research from one of our groups suggests that when parents have strong reactions to stress and have symptoms of depression, their children are more likely to fight with managing their strong emotions and depression.

Ironically, this is the opposite result of what parents work so hard for.

Strategies to enjoy the holidays with your children

Luckily, this holiday season, and any time of year, bringing joy back to parents is easier than most recipes on Pinterest.

In our research and in our clinical practice, we’ve discovered some strategies that can help parents slow down, get more rest, and adapt to their own needs. If you’re moving into survival mode, it’s time to step back from your to-do list and take this test:

• Shift your thinking from reacting to what is happening in the moment to focusing on the greater experiences and futures you are trying to create for yourself and your family. For example, if your goal is to enjoy time with your children, try to include them in holiday preparations. If you remind yourself of what you’re really trying to get out of each activity, baking cookies won’t matter as long as you bake them together.

• Reconnect with friends and family who are also in the parenting trench to ease each other’s burdens, both physically and emotionally. This means cooking, carpooling, or giving coffee to a friend. Interacting with people you truly enjoy for laughter, joy, and connection goes a long way toward overall well-being. Build time into your day, not week or month, to connect with your social support system. Better yet, set aside a task on your unnecessary to-do list to replace the one that’s draining you.

• Consider if you’re stuck with the dreaded “shoulds”: “I should be able to do all this cooking myself” or “I should be able to finish this task in an hour with two kids”. Needs can motivate, but they give a sense of parental failure if you don’t meet the standards set. Instead, replace “need” with “I’m trying” or “I’d like,” such as “I’m trying to wrap presents today” or “I’d like to play with my baby for 10 minutes without interruption.”

• Imagine what you want your vacation to be, and specifically your relationship with your child, five, 10, even 20 years from now. What do you see and hear? who is there How do people feel about each other and how do they interact? Further research from our team suggests that expanding the time horizon and considering how current actions shape the future improves parenting behaviors.

In five years, your children are unlikely to remember the cleanliness of the floor, but they may remember the emotions of the moment.

Memories of accidentally baked goods with salt instead of sugar age better when accompanied by laughter and love, rather than frantic recycling.

The secret is to remove the pressure to survive in the moment and refocus on the future you want to create.

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