In conversation with Life Kit, Ruppanner reveals some of the assumptions that sustain a woman’s heavy mental workload, and what it takes to reclaim your headspace. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s start with mental strain and gender. What are some widespread cultural myths you wish would go away?
One of the biggest lies we sell each other is that women are multitasking better than men, that their brains are simply more efficient at keeping track of all these competing things.
Research doesn’t show that. What it shows is that there isn’t of us can multitask. What multitaskers are good at is switching tasks, which burns some of your cognitive capacity and drains some of your energy.
Another myth we tell each other is that women are really good homemakers and men are terrible at it. But (research shows) that men who do the primary care of children and take care of the household, they are healthier, happier, more balanced.
Some of these social norms simply put (women) in charge of the job. We then set each other up to reinforce these gender roles.
You conducted a survey testing the stereotype that “men can’t see the mess.”
With colleagues from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and New York University, we showed (male and female participants) a messy room and a clean room. And we asked them: Can you rate the mess of this room?
We found that men and women rated it equally clean and equally messy. So this idea that “men can’t see the mess or the dirt” is bullshit. Let’s stop telling each other that and believe each other. The men see the socks on the floor.
You say that one of the most effective ways to lighten the mental load is to find out exactly what’s on the list. how do you do it
I have this new website where if you want to actually measure your mental load you can take free estimate and see what you’re wearing.
Your book also offers a tool called Mental workload audit. The idea is to sort the tasks in your head into eight categories so you can see where your energy is going. Can you tell us about some of these buckets?
The first is the organization of life. This stays on top of planning and tasks. The second is emotional support. It’s checking in on family, friends and colleagues to make sure they’re doing well. Another is individual support, for example, did I make an appointment with this doctor? Should I get a haircut?
You can find all eight categories in your book, and also online. Once you’ve categorized your mental workload, what do you do next?
Start thinking about whether these things are drains (on your energy) or credits.
Every day you wake up with a certain amount of capacity and every day you use it up. You can’t reduce your mental workload every day. You need to have some energy.
Now, for some this will be reducing some of the mental load. But for others, it will be about finding the things that bring you joy, that recharge you. Then start thinking about how to adjust your mental costs that way.
How do we prioritize the tasks that are most important?
Find out who is in your starting line-up. One of the mothers (I interviewed) said, “I’m weighing requests from my book club, the PTA, and my parents. I can’t say no to any of them.”
But if you have a little time, “Who’s really critical right now?” It becomes easier to say no. You can then filter which solutions are worth the investment.
You share another way to lighten your mental load: Outsource some of your responsibilities. This usually costs money – for example, hiring a cleaner or babysitting. Are there other ways to offload our tasks without breaking the bank?
Can technology do it? Maybe artificial intelligence can do the meal planning. Or there are apps that can read your emails and put (events) on a shared calendar.
One of the other things I talk about in the book is getting into a “good is good enough” mentality and starting to think about when our standards are too high.
For example, if you worry about the way the forks go in the dishwasher, some of your mental workload is spent monitoring that. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it’s not.
So what’s the ultimate goal here once you’ve managed to lighten the load?
To say: I have enough mental energy to figure out where I’m going and I can create new, interesting worlds or lives that I love to live, where I thrive, where I’m happy, where I’m passionate, where I’m excited and I don’t wake up exhausted or burned out.
Take it Measuring mental workloada short test developed by Ruppanner to measure where your mental workload is heaviest—and get suggestions on how to ease it.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
