In conversation with Life Kit, Vellos shares insights on how to turn a stranger into a friend, based on research and her work as a friendship coach. In this role, she helps people who struggle to make friends where they live and talks to city leaders and urban planners about designing spaces for connection. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s talk about how to spot a friend in the wild. Maybe it’s in a public space or a group dinner. How do you know if this person has friendship potential?
Notice who you feel warm with, around whom you feel safe. Also pay attention if they show curiosity to get to know you more.
It’s not necessarily the most exciting person in the room. They may have a lot of charisma and magnetic charm, but they may not make you feel grounded.
Let’s say you meet someone who seems cool. How could you ask them out?
A common mistake people make when trying to build a new friendship is waiting too long to see that new acquaintance again. And during that time, the spark can go out.
There is research on how long it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend. It comes from the work of Geoffrey Hall, (Professor of Communication Studies) at the University of Kansas.
He quantified how many hours does it take to turn a stranger into a friend: More than 30 for a random friend. (Those hours) really need to be compressed, preferably in the first few weeks of dating.
This research confirms what your intuition might tell you: if you spend a lot of time together when a relationship is new, it’s more likely to stick.
Many times adults follow some arbitrary rule that says you can’t go out two days in a row or you can’t see someone more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships fail.
As for what to do together, you suggest choosing an activity that is memorable.
Coffee dates are fine. Many people choose them by default for a first date. But the coffee is forgotten. I don’t think it’s important. It’s easy to cancel and doesn’t give you much ground to talk about.
So pick something that’s a little more interesting. This will increase the excitement (and people are more likely) not to cancel.
So if you tell me you like to knit, I might be like, “Hey, there’s this exhibit of really cool yarn art. Do you want to go?” You’re probably more likely to say yes because it’s something you really care about.
There is another benefit. Cornell University researchers found that when people who don’t know each other very well do something unusual together, it bonds them much faster than doing a simple activity like just another coffee.
When we do something a little out of the ordinary, that novelty grabs your attention and gives you a memory you can have together. (Going to) a classic car show or a vegan food truck festival will be much more memorable than that latte.
What if you start hanging out and find out you don’t really like them?
It’s a good idea not to take this train all the way to the best station.
Decide if you really want to stop seeing them or if you just want to move them to the outer ring of the relationship.
There are indeed rings. This is your inner circle. The next ring is friends you might invite to a birthday party. The next ring is (people you would enjoy) seeing at random, but don’t search. Then these are (people) you don’t agree to be strangers.
Let’s say you have a new friend. It’s going well. You’ve been out a few times. What are the ways to make friendship last?
I often say that there are four seeds of a relationship: compatibility, frequency, closeness, and commitment. I describe this in my book. If these four elements are present, this friendship is more likely to last.
The first is compatibility. Hopefully there is enough mutual interest and chemistry that you want to continue. Next is the frequency. How often do you see each other? Closeness is how much time you can spend in person, face to face. How close can you be?
Over time, if both of you are committed, you both become dedicated to the friendship.
Story edited by Megan Keen. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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