Badzin talks to Life Kit about how to cultivate thinking that can help you nourish old friendships – and the art of keeping in touch.
How would you determine an old friend?
I think many of us (define the old friends like the ones we did in) childhood, or someone we were friends with at college with whom we are still friends.
After being in the trenches together, it also makes us feel like old friends. It may be a job where you have had a difficult boss together and you are still friends 10 years later.
Why do some friendships have survived for decades and others fade?
The thing that hinders old friendships is the perceived lack of equality and effort. It is difficult not to expect other people to make a friendship exactly the way we do or the way it has always been done.
Is there a value to say to a friend: “I would really like to be loved or cared for on this way.”
Yes, absolutely. For example, you can say, “I love the time we spend together and I don’t mind that I do a lot of plans, because it’s important for me to see my friends. But I would like to know if you really want these invitations.”
That said, I don’t think you should educate every friend’s aggravation. This returns to acceptance of the best and knowing that people make friendship differently.
Let’s talk more about accepting the best intentions.
There is a quote that I love from my former guest, Ruchi Hound, a relationship coach. She said there are people who never disappoint us, and these people are called acquaintances.
An old friend will particularly disappoint us in a while and we will disappoint this person. So every long -standing friendship must have forgiveness in it. And forgiveness requires humility to be the best.
What does it mean if someone has no old friends?
If you have not been able to maintain friendships, it is probably a sign that something is from your thinking about friendships. You may have unwise expectations.
I’m not saying this to make people feel awful. I say it with optimism. This is something you can change. Now you can have friends in your life with whom you make the effort, so in 10 years you can consider this person an old friend.
If you see or talk to an old friend out of town once a year or once every five years, are you still friends?
Yes, but I wouldn’t let five or 10 years pass (without talking to them) if you could help him.
Being an adult means spending time for your friends because it is important. If all you can manage right now is FaceTime with your friends long distance, I would do that.
Sometimes these can feel like a job.
It is very similar to exercise. Very few people regret going for a walk. Yes, we would just be glad to sit and watch TV, but after you continue for this walk, most people come back and they are like, “Okay, I’m glad I did it.” The phone call with a friend is very similar.
How important is a personal relationship with old friendships?
If you are talking on the phone and sending messages with an old friend over a decade, at some point you would like to get on a plane and see that person.
If we are talking about friends in the city, it is important to get together in person. I like to meet people in someone’s house much more than a restaurant. It’s so strong. You can only talk to the person next to you. And after 20 or 30 minutes you are caught and you see your friend on the other side of the table and wonder what she is doing.
If you are in someone’s house, you can move around. It is more natural to talk to one person – then talk to another person after a while. People like to be invited.
How can we give our friends the grace and space change?
Most of us want to be able to develop and change our minds about things. There is not much hope in the world if we have to keep the same opinions and interests we had from the time we were the 20th or 30s.
Give your friends a place to try different ways of life. No one likes to (be around) someone who says, for example, “I thought you said you would never be one of those people who make Crossfit.”
This is one of the biggest gifts you can give to a friend. If we could give others as much space as we give ourselves, it will go a long way.
It sounds important to fight for your friendship.
All you can do is control how much effort you put in and then accept the best of important people.
The digital story was edited by Megan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We will be glad to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail on 202-216-9823 or send us an email to Lifekit@npr.org.
