Although it is vital to every person on the planet, most Americans do not like to talk about their own death. Only 22% of people in the US have documented end-of-life wishes, according to a study by VITAS Healthcare. This means that for the other 78%, it is up to their loved ones to juggle the various decisions necessary in the event of terminal illness and death.
Treating death as a taboo subject is an ingrained behavior among many Americans, says Lisa Pahl, LCSW. Pahl, a hospital social worker, developed an intimate view of the dying process in her work Death Decka game created specifically to help ease the discomfort surrounding death discussions.
The vegetable’s multiple-choice and open-ended questions explore all kinds of death-related topics, such as who you would like to write your obituary, how often you think about death, and whether you would choose to live forever, if given. option
“We’re not typically exposed to open conversations about death and dying — that’s what many of us are raised with,” says Pahl. “People will often say, ‘Oh, don’t talk about it. It’s too morbid. Let’s talk about something nicer.’ we thought.”
When it comes to having these kinds of talks with family members, Pahl has spent a lot of time thinking about how to approach it: What is important to know? When is the right time to do it? How do you start? At the end of the day, he says, the most important thing is to try.
“Avoiding the issue doesn’t prevent death from happening,” says Pahl. “When I provide bereavement support to families in the months following a death, there is a lot of second-guessing that happens, often because there was no conversation about what the dying person wanted in those last days. Having these conversations in a proactive way can bring you closer and strengthen your relationships.’
Here’s how to get started.
Find out what you need to know
Before you sit down with your parent, partner, or significant other, take stock of what details might be important to know in the event of their end-of-life care or death. At the basic level, they need advanced directives (a document that outlines your wishes for medical care if you are unable to inform yourself), a living will and trust, and a durable power of attorney, as well as account access. passwords But beyond these big preparations, there are other questions to consider, such as:
- Where do they want to live when they can’t take care of themselves?
- What are their feelings about feeding tubes and mechanical ventilation?
- Who wants to make health care decisions when they can’t?
- What do they want to happen to their body after they die?
- Would they like a funeral, and if so, what would they like it to be like?
“I talk to a lot of mourners who have a little bit of anger with their loved ones after the death,” says Pahl. “It’s a real gift for family members to be able to follow their wishes instead of making decisions on someone else’s behalf.”
Issue an invitation
Pahl says that for loved ones avoiding death, television, movies, articles, books and podcasts can be gentle triggers for exploring death-related topics. Using an anecdote, whether fictional or real life, can spark conversation without putting anyone on the spot.
“My mother used to watch it This is Us when it came on, and the various episodes did a great job with the dying process and what it was like in a family,” says Pahl. “After being in an advanced care planning session, I called him the next day and learned that he had a lot of ideas about what he would do differently in the same situation.”
The stories of neighbors and relatives can have a similar purpose: an aunt diagnosed with cancer, or a colleague who has a stroke and is put on a ventilator, for example. These allow you to ask your family members out loud what you would do in the same situation.
“I try to encourage people to make statements about themselves and talk about their thoughts on the topic first, because it allows the other person to enter the conversation by aligning with you or agreeing with you, and that can be an easier entry into the conversation,” says Pahl.
Keep the focus on the benefit
The thought of letting go of loved ones can be so painful for some that they feel that avoiding the topic is all about care and love. A redirection that takes the focus off their needs and frames it as a loving gift to others can help.
“Sometimes, especially parents will respond that knowing these things is helpful for you and when they understand a way to let them take care of it,” says Pahl. “You can say, ‘I love you and I want to take good care of you as you get older, and I want us to have this conversation so I know how you want me to do that.’
Talk about your wishes
If you’re going to ask your loved ones what they want upon their end and imminent death, you should also have your own answers ready. Complete an advanced directive of your choice and take it with you to discuss with your family.
“I really encourage people to be willing to talk about those points and come from that perspective,” Pahl says. “Because the truth is, any one of us could die at any moment. And so it is also good for you to have talked about your wishes with your family members.’
If they haven’t done the advanced directive, they may be spinning their wheels. And at the very least, it will engage you in a conversation that will allow you to learn about their personal choices.
Know when to quit
When it comes to talking about their own death, some will continue to resist even the most creative and gentle invitations. In the end, the most important thing is to keep the relationship alive, even if that means giving up the conversation for now.
“We can’t control anyone else,” says Pahl. “I think everything you can do is focus on preparing for what you have to do so that when the time comes, you’re as ready as you can be.”
More on aging and care:
