Rare is the parent who has never lost and yelled at their child. Also weird: the parent who didn’t feel bad about yelling at the kid after doing it.
“Every parent knows that yelling isn’t the best way to get things done” Laura Markhamclinical psychologist, parenthood the coach, and mother of two children, tells luck. “Parents are usually remorseful after yelling.”
That’s natural, she says, but it’s not worth acting out, because it won’t help to deal with the situation yourself.
“Only holding works mercy for yourself, when you beat yourself up, you can’t really do better. It makes you feel worse about yourself and makes you more likely to yell,” she says. “Every parent is going to lose it at some point and yell at their kids. That’s not the end of the world. That’s just the territory of being human.”
It’s only when you keep using yelling, as effective and harmful as it can be, that problems can set in, he says.
Here, experts listen to the three pillars of parenting without raising their voices.
Understand that yelling can cause long-term damage
“Research has shown that the consequences of yelling can be worse than hitting children,” says the adolescent psychologist. Barbara Greenbergreferring to an exam Among middle school children at the University of Pittsburgh, they also found that maternal verbal aggression was associated with social problems and negative self-perception. “He lives as an emotional person bad treatment“.
another to analyze found that for teens who experienced harsh verbal discipline from a parent—including yelling, screaming, and verbal humiliation—it was associated with behavioral problems and depressive symptoms.
“Children form internal scripts that go over and over again throughout their lives,” says Greenberg, emphasizing the negative impact that being yelled at can have. “I don’t think parents always realize the importance of their words.”
Also, says Markham, the author Peaceful parents, happy children, yelling is not effective parenting in the long run. “We know that yelling at kids at this point is totally effective, so yes, we’re going to give that to parents,” he says. “But it works through fear.” And while it may get kids out of the house on time, it doesn’t help their development prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for attention, inhibition, complex learning and emotion—so that they can learn to manage things on their own.
“When we raise our voices and yell at our kids, sure, they’ll comply, but it has all these unwanted side effects,” she says. One is that it makes you, the parent, an “unsafe person”. And your child, he says, “doesn’t forget that,” whether he wants to come to you in the middle of the night after a bad dream or tell you about a bully at school.
Children whose parents don’t yell do better in every way, research shows: They feel closer to their parents, they’re willing to open up to them, and they behave better, Markham says. Meanwhile, she adds, “Kids whose parents yell at them are more likely to be anxious or depressed as teenagers,” he says. “So it’s just motivation to help parents who are struggling with this because it’s so hard to deal with.”
Take a parenting break
Says Greenberg, “It’s up to parents to stop and think about what’s going on, even if they have to leave room to rearrange.” Taking that break—think of it as a parenting break—is beneficial for both you and your child, she says, because “you’ll be less active and less excited,” because it gives your child a minute to calm down. , also
But what if you, like many parents Markham has worked with, don’t even realize you’re yelling?
“At some point, you’ll realize you’re yelling,” he promises. “You’ll see your kids look at you with a serious expression … and you’ll realize, ‘Oh, my God, I’m getting scared.’ Most parents will feel embarrassed at that point. And then they’ll double down—’Well, they weren’t listening’—and then they’ll shout more.”
But instead, it’s important to stop in that moment—even if you’re afraid you’ll “lose face,” she says, explaining that what you’ll actually be doing is “modeling self-regulation,” which is a great skill. to pass on to your children.
“The moment you realize you’re screaming, you take a deep breath. At that point you can’t forgive…but you can shut up and walk away. take a breath Wave your hands, splash some water on your face,” he says, and if you change your reaction like that, you’re giving your body a signal that it shouldn’t be there. fight or flight mode.
“You breathe and notice what you feel. It’s what you feel anger at that moment, but under anger it’s always the same threat”, failing as a parent – whether it’s because you couldn’t take your child out on time or you spend too much time online.
“And once you allow yourself to feel those feelings, you don’t need anger as a defense against them,” she says, emphasizing that it’s about deciding to make an energy shift in that moment. “Imagine the calmer and wiser parent inside you. Some parents say, “I choose love over fear”… or you can imagine that there is an angel on your shoulder, your wiser self, and they want what’s best for everyone in the situation. That parent reminds you that your child is just a child. They’re not trying to make your life harder.’
Connect and redirect
Once the nervous system has calmed down, says Markham, it’s time to connect with your child by apologizing for raising your voice. “You go in and fix it,” he says, adding calmly, “‘but I’m serious, we have to go. now.’”
And if you’re worried that your kids won’t learn a lesson, she says, “When your kids have a messed-up nervous system, they don’t learn well… so you have to go back to safety and connection before you teach them anything.” Harvard The University Child Development Center, in fact, find Chronic exposure to situations that cause fear and anxiety (eg yelling) can also interfere with how children learn and develop in the long term.
So once you’re calmer, maybe after the dentist appointment you were afraid to miss, you say, “Wow, that didn’t feel right to be 10 minutes late. They were pretty mad at us because it messes up everything at the dentist’s office… I was embarrassed to be 10 minutes late.” . I wonder what we could do to prevent that from happening next time?'” suggests Markham. “And then you’re teaching them, because you’re in a good place.”
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